Improper Bostonian

I picked up a copy during lunch, and since it's slow here today, I typed up the interview behind the cut. No scans, unfortunately, but you can see the cover at the magazine's website.

Actor/writer/comedian B.J. Novak, 27, was born and raised in Newton and graduated from Newton South High with his castmate on NBC's hit adaptation of the English comedy The Office, John Krasinski. Novak earned a degree in English and Spanish literature from Harvard before launching a career as a stand-up comic. He has appeared on Late Night With Conan O'Brien and Comedy Central's Premium Blend, and he continues to perform at clubs. Named one of Variety's 10 Comics to Watch in 2003, he was the lead accomplice on the second season of Ashton Kutcher's prank series, MTV's Punk'd, where he played elaborate practical jokes on the likes of Usher, Mya, and Jaime Pressley. A supervising producer for The Office, he plays Ryan, the reluctant temp-turned-employee, and has written several of its most memorable episodes. His work on the series has earned him a Writer's Guild Award for best comedy series as well as three other WGA nominations and a Screen Actors Guild Award for best ensemble cast. This spring, he makes his feature film debut opposite Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle in Reign Over Me and appears in Knocked Up, director Judd Apatow's follow-up to The 40 Year Old Virgin. Novak lives in LA.

Jonathan Soroff: Ok, if I can ask you to put on your wiseass hat, I've got my Martini ready, so we can begin...
B.J Novak.: Well, I'm driving so my martini is in the cup holder.
JS: Glad to see you're taking both highway safety and this interview so seriously. OK, first of all, what does B.J. mean to you?
BJN: It stands for honesty, thoughtful entertainment and respect for the audience.
JS: Well, at exactly which point would one gag?
BJN: Question three in this interview.
JS: Alright, I'll get off the B.J. I understand that you once wreaked havoc at the Museum of Fine Arts?
BJN: I did. With some friends, I replaced the audio tour of a Chinese art exhibit with my own commentary. It implored museum patrons to remove the glass from works of art and get high on the paint fumes, do the hokey-pokey, and I eventually cursed them out in very graphic language for not understanding the art. You want your museum-going experience to be transformative, and I think I did a performance art that rivaled the exhibit.
JS: What are the odds that two high school friends end up on the same TV show?
BJN: It's too weird for me to even contemplate. It sounds so crazy-unlikely.
JS: Maybe you two should come back to Massachusetts and get married.
BJN: Oh, we'll be in the same retirement home. I'm sure we'll be in a three-person marriage. There's no escaping that guy... Good thing he's funny.
JS: You really know how to work the red carpet. What are your secrets?
BJN: Umm, don't wear red. You'll clash. Keep walking in the same direction; don't walk back and forth. No need to say "Cheese" for the camera. Oh, and Joan is the old one, Melissa is the young one. Don't make the same mistake I did and call Melissa "Joan".
JS: Are those your real eyes or are they blue contact lenses?
BJN: Are you coming on to me? It makes sense with your first few questions.
JS: I might be, but answer the question: Are they blue contact lenses?
BJN: I wear red contact lenses to mask how blue they are. My natural eyes would burn a hole through the TV lens.
JS: Is Bob Saget really your best friend?
BJN: He's a friend of mine.
JS: But not your best?
BJN: I stopped ranking my friends when I was around 24.
JS: Most excruciating moment on the show that you had to act?
BJN: One time I had to look mildly surprised when I was actually moderately surprised. That was a pretty big stretch.
JS: Well, we all know how expressive you are with your eyes from that appearance on Leno. You had Helen Mirren wetting herself.
BJN: Yes, I think it's clear who the better actor is. She gets all the roles that I turn down.
JS: So you were asked to play the queen?
BJN: Yeah, I turned it down, and now that she has all those nominations I'm kicking myself. I've been dreaming of a best-actress Oscar since I was a little kid.
JS: What would you say in your acceptance speech?
BJN: How you like me now, Helen?
JS: Worst job you ever had?
BJN: Krasinski and I both worked at Cafe Lampara in Newton the summer after our senior year in high school. He worked the takeout counter and I was a line cook. I didn't speak any Portugese and he didn't need to. He got to interact with people he could have conversations with. I just learned a lot of Brazilian curse words.
JS: Did you ever actually temp?
BJN: I did. I sat behind a reception desk for eight hours a day. No one said a word to me, and I had to copy a phone book manually into a database. I said, "Don't you think we should get a scanner?" and all I got was a shrug. I lasted two weeks.
JS: Exactly what does Steve Carell smell like?
BJN: Lysol.
JS: What's more fun, writing or acting?
BJN: Acting gets me more attention. I laugh more when I'm writing.
JS: Funny or not funny: knock-knock jokes involving dwarves?
BJN: Not funny. Deeply offensive.
JS: Some of your best friends are dwarves?
BJN: All of my best friends are dwarves, with the exception of Bob Saget.
JS: OK, let's play gay or Canadian: Michael Feinstein?
BJN: Isn't there a middle ground? Like Nordic-American?
JS: No. How about Lance Bass?
BJN: As a half-Canadian myself, I feel there's something wrong about speculating on one's Canadian-ness. It goes against my ethnicity.
JS: So is asking about Charo out of the question?
BJN: Yes, it is. Again, deeply offensive. I'm not easily offended, and I've been deeply offended twice during this interview.
JS: This is going to be a bit like interviewing Robert DeNiro.
BJN: This interview's going to be a bombshell! Boston will never be the same.
JS: Let's play "Odds out of Vegas." What do you think O.J. Simpson's chances are at a career comeback?
BJN: It all depends. He's had several careers. Football? Odds are low. But I think it's quite possible that he could be a celebrity defendant again. I'll take 3 to 2 on that one.
JS: One reality show you'd like to be on?
BJN: It's Good to Be... I'd love to be on that.
JS: That's the most conceited thing I've ever heard.
BJN: [Laughs.] Well, realistically, there are very few reality shows one can hope to be on one day.
JS: One member of the Love Boat cast you'd most like to get shipwrecked with?
BJN: Do they have to be Canadian?
JS: No. I'd pick Isaac the bartender. I think you need to bone up on your crappy Aaron Spelling TV shows.
BJN: Newton South kids have to do their homework, unlike Beaver Country Day kids who can just watch the Love Boat all night.
JS: Don't be disrespecting my alma mater.
BJN: I'm sorry. But I don't remember what trash I watched. I know I watched a lot.
JS: You were too stoned to remember.
BJN: You said it, not me.
JS: So what is it about Boston that produces so many funny people?
BJN: I think there's a lot of intelligence in the air. Everyone on the T is reading a book or newspaper. There are a lot of smartasses. And maybe some of that Irish influence. There's a lot of wit, and you just kind of soak it up.
JS: Last question: Fill in the blank. The next time I'm in Newton, the very first thing I'm going to do is _____________.
BJN: Get a ride from Holden's Taxi and hold on for dear life.